Speaking Love: It's Relationship Magic
Words are powerful and the ones you choose to speak about your nearest and dearest have the ability to shift your relationship depending on the language you’re using. So when you find yourself in a cycle of grumbles and mumbles, gripes and curses, it’s time to look at how you can start speaking more love into your romantic relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally valid to feel the need to “vent” about your partner from time to time. Relationships are tough and sometimes you just need to call your friend and feel 100 percent justified in your argument that dirty shoes and clothes go in the hamper while clean items in those same categories long to live happily in the closet. But the point of venting is to get it off your chest and ultimately to let it go, so if you start to notice your pattern is heavy on the venting, light on the letting go, it’s time to look a little deeper.
To be clear, I’m not talking about the big mac daddies of couple issues. Those are best left to professional help and dedication to long term healing. What I want you to consider is the everyday little ways you’ve allowed your inner and outer voices to find fault, take jabs, and focus on the negative. When you are consistently talking (to yourself or others) negatively about your special someone, those words begin to influence your perceptions of and actions towards them.
But the same shift in perception and actions can happen in a positive way when you start to make speaking love a priority. And I’m not just blowing smoke, people. These findings are based on my own personal experiment in my marriage. After 17 years together, things can start to feel a little. . . how should I say. . . ordinary? The things that annoyed me two years in still annoy me 15 years later, but after you multiply that by kids and work and youth sports and carry the one, the math comes out to be I am now 420 percent more annoyed by the same thing as I was originally. But I started to realize if that’s all I focus on, it’s all I’ll ever find. I needed to start speaking more love — and meaning it!
Bookend The Day With Loving Words
I started kissing my husband and telling him I love him first thing when I woke up (even if he was still in bed) and then right before I went to sleep at night. Sure, this seems ordinary, but what I did differently was I really allowed myself to feel it buy focusing on something I love about him. Sometimes I tell him what it is and sometimes I don’t, but I try to specifically connect the emotion to the words I am speaking.
Say Nice Things When They’re Not Around
It’s so important to say nice things about your partner when they can’t even hear you! This habit reminds you that you’re not looking for reciprocation and you’re simply expressing your love for your honey by telling others something they’re good at or something nice that they did.
Take a trip down memory lane and spark a conversation with your significant other about a time or event you felt really close to them. Allow those feelings to resurface as you both recount the story.
Take a walk on the wild side and step out of the “I love you” box. Express your loving words in playful ways. Call him/her a sexy beast. Say, “I think you’re fucking fantastic!” Add dance moves to your compliment. Present your love in the form of a skit. Whatever floats your boat, man.
Do The 20 Second Hug
Hugs are life force energy and essential to survival. This is something I’ve always known, but now science is over here like, “I got your back! This is legit!” As Harvard Health reported, research shows hugging for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, which is a natural brain chemical that boosts empathy, trust, and relationship building. Basically when you do the 20 second hug, you feel bonded with your bae and also maybe want to do nice things for them? (That last part is not backed by research but just an educated guess by me.)
When you start to speak love — whether with your actual words or the body language of hugging — you’ll begin to see some delightful residual effects. Your overall relationship satisfaction increases, you’ll find more and more things to love about your partner, and they will start to follow your lead because they are feeling so damn loved, they want to spread those love vibes as well! Not to mention you’ll be in a better mood since you shifted your focus from negative to positive, complaining to celebrating. (Not to mention you’re getting all those juicy good hugs!)
The truth is, when we find ways to honor one another, it feels really satisfying. So do what works for you, but aim to make speaking love a part of your daily interactions.