6 Ways Being A Mom Is Like Being A Fugitive

September 18
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The pantry is the third worst place to hide from my children, preceded only by behind the couch and under the kitchen table. Sure, I loved all those pantry shelves when I was buying the house, but now that I am standing on my tip-toes, trying to wedge my body in between them and a lockless door, I kinda think pantry shelves suck. I curse myself for the amateur move, but I can’t risk them discovering me eating chocolate. My own chocolate that only I am allowed to eat. 

A better place to eat secret chocolate is the guest bathroom, since entering requires passing though two locked doors. But if you’re really looking for an infallible hidey hole,  here’s a pro tip: the best place to not be discovered by children is in the back of your car. This is reserved for real deal contraband and should only be used for the most serious of situations.

I have a running list of hiding places should I need – and this example is just a random example which has probably never happened on day 5 of 5 straight snow days – to shotgun a can of wine. All this time I thought my hideouts were solid mom-preparedness techniques, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how being a mom is a lot like being a fugitive.

1.Someone is always hunting you down.

As a mom, you are the most sought after person in the house. No matter where you are, someone desperately needs you.

You have walked out of the room – someone is calling for you.

You are in the shower – someone needs you immediately.

You have gone to the grocery – you receive 16 texts with more things to buy.

You are trying to poop – there is a huge emergency!

Don’t even try to exercise! That’s ridiculous. There will be an interruption by your third squat. Constantly being stalked can make you feel like you’re in custody, which is why…

2.You hide in strange places.

When you hear the bevy of bounty hunters coming, you dive into the first space you can find. I once covered myself with the living room curtains, just to have  30 seconds of peace before fetching the 300th snack of the day. 

3.You have dual identities.

To many, you are the mom who bring snacks to baseball games, volunteers at school functions and has the best holiday themed napkins at every class party. You are the responsible, organized mother your children have come to rely on…until you go out with your girlfriends.

Any trace of the woman who cuts crusts off ham sammies gets checked with your coat at the hostess stand. Swear words are bubbling like champagne and champagne is flowing like water. When you and your girls hit the dance floor you look less like a group of moms and more like reunion of retired strippers.

4.Someone is tracing your money transactions.

Spoiler alert: it’s your husband. He has some questions about the credit card bill. What did you need from Amazon Prime 7 times this month? Who is Lulu Lemon and why is she taking so much of our money? It’s possible he has alerts set on his phone, so you decide it is time to start dealing exclusively in cash.

5.You dye your hair.

Even though you are not running from the law, you use hair dye to change your appearance. A few golden highlights to brighten your face in the winter months, a healthy dose base color to cover those roots. The only difference is, you pay someone to do this in a sanitary salon, instead of squeezing a bottle of color onto your own head in a dimly lit truck stop bathroom. Although I have to admit, if my gray roots were bad enough and I was in a pinch, I am not above a 10-minute fix in a truck stop bathroom.

6.You have to spin a web of lies just to survive.

Lies may not be nice, but sometimes they are necessary to survival. The biggest hitch is, there are so many little lies to keep track of. Like: No I don’t have any secret chocolate hidden up high in the pantry behind the stack of awesome holiday themed napkins.

Or: I don’t know WHO ate the last piece of pizza but it wasn’t me and this isn’t pizza sauce on my face its red clay zit cream.

And who can even keep up with: I am not sure how those pictures you colored ended up in the recycling bin.

There are times in motherhood when you feel like there is a bounty on your head. You can’t be still long enough to catch a breath – you’ve heard of the elusive nap, but you can’t confirm that it is real. It’s exhausting, thankless work; but it’s also the good-down-to-the-core work. So you go a little rogue? You adopt the ways of a fugitive? No biggy. Motherhood is a car on a beeline headed toward a giant question mark. Sometimes you have to serve yourself a giant slice of survival pie and eat in the guest room bath.   

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