The 7 Kids At A Birthday Party

December 1
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After mailing the invitations, receiving a 40% RSVP response, awkwardly contacting the 60% who did not RSVP, ordering the food, decorating the house and picking up your appropriately themed cake from the bakery, you are ready to host a birthday party for your child!

On the big day, the doorbell rings and the kids come bounding in, ready to party. Some are old friends, some new. But not long after arriving, they begin to take on their birthday party alter egos. You may recognize some of these familiar characters from the last birthday party you hosted for your child.

Famished Guy
Apparently, this little fella hasn’t been fed since yesterday. His appetite is insatiable. You sneak him a few pretzels on the down low and ask him scarf them quickly. Two minutes later he has found you to let you know he is still hungry. No matter how much you encourage him to wait until pizza time, as soon as you turn your back he is elbow deep in the pretzel bag.

Not That Into It Guy
This guy does not like chaos. He does not like crowds. Ergo, he is sitting on your stairs with his head between his knees. After various attempts at enthusiastically encouraging him to decorate a superhero mask, you give up and call his mom.

Kool Aid Guy
He climbs your bookshelves, he jumps on your couch, he busts through your living room wall like the Kool Aid guy. He has broken a lamp and dented the coffee table and you haven’t even served what Famished Guy left of the pretzels. All the other kids at the party think he’s the greatest.

The Gale
This kid is an aspiring junior party planner. He wants to help you with everything from organizing the games to putting the candles on the cake. He doesn’t leave your side and insists on being your helper. He is the Gale to your Oprah. (see also: Nate Berkus)

Informer Guy
Sometimes known as the Tattletale, this small fry keeps you abreast of all the latest party happenings: Parker said “poop.” Easton is sneezing too loud. Davis bumped him. Luke won’t stop shouting. You would pair him up with Not That Into It Guy, but his mom took him home 10 minutes ago.

The Richard Simmons
This kid is super excited about everything and won’t stop hopping. When you say, “Time for cake!” he cheers and claps the loudest. He high-fives and whoops and carries on, even when you announce the party is over.

Conspirator Guy
Look out for this guy, he is the sneakiest of all the kids at the party. Quietly, he whispers devious comments to the other small partygoers. This game is stupid. This pizza is gross. He attempts to lead a revolt. Let’s flush these party hats down the toilet. Then, for his grand finale, he blows out the candles on your child’s cake right before the last stanza of “Happy Birthday.” (see also: The Devil)

As the party ends, you wave farewell to your pint-sized guests, let out a long sigh of relief and vow to have next year’s party at the indoor bounce house place. That way, you can duck into a corner with the other moms while Party Host Guy manages all the things.

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