Welcome to Your First Yoga Class

November 12
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Welcome to Transcendental Yoga! This is your first class?

I noticed you are arriving early, did you find that suggestion on our FAQ page? No? You haven’t looked over our FAQ page? Don’t worry – worry is the leading cause of soul cancer – I can walk you through everything you’ll need to know.

Pardon my bluntness, but are you wearing deodorant with artificial fragrance? I thought so. Before we begin, I am going to need you to wash your underarms. Here is a wet rag that has been soaked in coconut oil and lavender. Just scrub away right here, we are not going to judge you. Judgement is the second leading cause soul cancer. Now that your armpits are free of toxins, we can being our tutorial.

Before class you must sign in at the aura cleansing station. While you sign your name in our guestbook made of recycled guestbooks, a licensed healer will cleanse your aura. This will free your chakras so you can chant your first positive affirmation. If you need some inspiration for your affirmation you can consult our burlap wall of human togetherness. It is to the left of the juice bar, although it faces true north. However, in the future, we recommend you create your own authentic affirmation before arriving to class. Dig deep into your soul and find whatever speaks to your truth. Then add words like “beautiful,” “amazing,” and “journey” to really round out the overall feel of the statement. Every class begins and ends with affirmation chants, so once you have a few solid go-to’s under your belt, it will start to feel less like one more thing you have to think about and more like a spiritual orgasm.

After you have signed in and chanted your positive affirmation you glide over to the essential oil garden. Close your eyes and allow your third eye to choose the scent you need today. Even if the oil smells rotten, slather it on all of your exposed skin. It is important to trust your third eye at the oil garden as well as throughout your Transcendental Yoga practice. Please make sure to wash your hands after you have rubbed in the oil. All our yoga mats are made from conflict-free hemp and will be damaged by any excess oils on your hands. Since this is your first class, use of the oil garden is complimentary, but typically there is a tiny up charge. But please note that 1% of all oil garden charges go toward paying the children who make our conflict-free hemp yoga mats overseas.

Now that you have signed in, chanted your positive affirmation, trusted your third eye to choose an oil and washed your hands it’s time to visit the juice bar. We highly recommend you consume up to four shots of wheatgrass before starting class, followed by an organic quick metabolic booster supplement. We find that this combination really prepares your body for the physical demands of our Transcendental Yoga practice. Since this is your first class, we can offer you one wheatgrass shot and one half of the quick metabolic booster supplement at no cost. But again, after today there will be a small up charge for these products, with 1% of the proceeds helping to support the displaced families of the farmers who grow the conflict-free hemp we use for our yoga mats.

Before we head into the studio space, we stop by the alter room and pay homage to our guru. Now, you should know, we are one of very few yoga studios with the privilege of having an in house guru. Her name is Peaceful Androgyny. You may never call her by name or look directly into her eyes or touch her. You must simply be aware of her presence and honor that presence. After you have honored the presence of Peaceful Androgyny, you must chant your positive affirmation for her. Continue to chant your affirmation until the guru acknowledges you with one ring from her sacred bell, made from the pieces of reclaimed bells. At this time, you are ready to enter the studio and prepare for Transcendental Yoga class.

Our studio has been designed with optimal feng shui in mind. The floors are ethically sourced cork and the shelves made from upcycled barn wood. All the wall art came from Pottery Barn because they were having a sale…but did I mention our yoga mats are made from conflict-free hemp? Speaking of yoga mats, grab one and find a spot for your practice today. This will be your sacred space for the next 10 minutes. Oh my! Please keep your voice down. Angry shouting is the third leading cause of soul cancer. I’m so sorry, I thought you knew the actual yoga portion of class lasts for 10 minutes. Now I remember, you said you did not read our FAQ page. Let me explain.

After cleansing your aura, chanting your affirmations, visiting the oil garden, washing the excess oil off your hands, drinking shots of wheatgrass, allowing your supplement to kick in, honoring the presence of the guru and chanting your affirmation until Peaceful Androgyny acknowledges you, only 10 minutes remain for actually participating in yoga.

No, I’m sorry, we cannot offer a refund on your Groupon.

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