Code of Conduct for Ghosts Living In My House

September 15

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I have never believed in ghosts, but the idea of them scares me enough that I give them the respect they deserve.

For 5 minutes this morning, I was convinced we had a ghost living in our house. Some game that my children play on the iPad yells “HEY!” when the lives regenerate or there is an update. (Side note: creators of this app should be punished in some horrible way that I have yet to determine.) It is a perfectly human sounding voice that shouts “HEY!” and it made every hair on my arms stand straight up. It wasn’t until the second time the ipad shouted at me that I knew I did not have a poltergeist. Close call, but it raised some good questions. In case I ever did find myself with a visitor from the beyond, I wanted to make sure we were clear about a few things.  So I created the Code of Conduct for Ghosts Living In My House.

Code of Conduct for Ghosts Living In My House

1. Respect my privacy.
You are not allowed, under any circumstances, to see me naked or watch me poop. You may be an apparition and creepy is kind of your thang, but show a little decency. It’s basic manners.

2. Don’t move my stuff around.
It will not be looked upon favorably if you start putting things where they don’t belong. This is an attention-seeking behavior and will not be tolerated under my roof. If you want my attention, you can figure out an appropriate way to get it.

3. No staring at me while I sleep.
I needs my sleep. I cannot have you staring, hovering or floating around me while I am trying to catch some Z’s. Come to think of it, just stay in a completely different room while I am asleep.

4. Stay Positive.
I am not sure what circumstances brought you here and I am sure it is a drag to roam the earth as a formless entity, but I am not going to listen to your strange moaning sounds all day. Think of at least one good thing and focus on that, please.

5. Use the hallway like everyone else.
You do not need to travel through my walls and ceiling just to make a point. Actually, this is probably the coolest perk to being a ghost. I won’t take that away from you, I’m not an animal. Travel through walls. You’re welcome.

6. Be my personal spy.
This is the only way you can repay me for putting a roof over your head: spy on my kids and my guests. Rule #1 applies to my kids, but not to guests (unless it’s the grandparents)! You have no excuses to slack since I have granted you the power of traveling through walls.

7. Go balls out on Halloween.
This is your night! No rules apply! Please get straight-up crazy scary and haunt the pants off of our entire street.

This is the only way I could think of to handle something that scares the crap out of me. Put the ghost in it’s place before it has a chance to really mess with your head! Anything I missed? What rules would you have for your ghost?

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  1. Lauren Mink

    September 22

    I just got to read this one—hilarious!!!

    • Autumn

      September 23

      Lauren, You know you’d feel the same!

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