Things That Are Fun(ny): Handbag Eulogies

August 11
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 *This post was originally published on my former blog*

RIP Sweet Red aka Kate

Obituary

Sweet Red “Kate” Kate Spade Purse, of Franklin, TN, formerly of Nordstrom Rack, on December 7, 2013. Beloved companion of Autumn Jones, she leaves behind 5 crumpled receipts. She is also survived by a dried up lip gloss, a hot wheels car and many, many crumbs. Kate’s faithful sidekick, Hobo Wallet was also lost in the fatal incident. No memorial service will be held. In lieu of flowers pleases send gift cards to Tory Burch.

Eulogy
by, Autumn Jones

Kate,

You were more than a purse.

Your two large storage sections served me well. When my family needed a snack, you were our vending machine. When it was cold out, you kept my best scarf and gloves warm.

Your inner zipper compartment was my tiny bag of tricks. I could always count on that pouch to keep my hand cream, lip gloss and emergency tampon safe.

Your two small inside pockets kept my phone and sunglass snuggled tightly.

And although I never really found a good place for my keys, I know you cared for them too. Thank you for that.

Your life was taken too soon. One and one half years together was not enough. I want you to know that in that short time I was faithful to you. I did not buy another purse in that time period – and had no intention to purchase another for some time! Even on days when I felt like you may clash with my outfit, I wore you…proudly!

In some way, I blame myself. I should have taken you with me that night. But the party was in our neighborhood and I only needed my phone, which fit in my pocket. I thought you would be safe on my bar stool at home, not vulnerable. I only wish your departure could have been more dignified; drenched by a glass of wine, falling off the top of my car because I forgot I set you up there. I hope it was fast and painless for you, Kate. No accessory should have to endure death by cat pee.

If I’m being honest, Hobo took the brunt. Soaked from the outside, in. I think she tried to sacrifice herself because she was older. I bet neither of you saw that psycho cat coming, even though you know she is crazy.

Kate, you will be missed and I honor you with this haiku:

You stuck by my side
Soft leather love and friendship
I will avenge you

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