This was originally posted on 6/17/13 on my former blog. One year later and it is still true.
(Sad Update: our precious, anxious cat has since gone on to find peace in kitty heaven, but her addition to this story is still funny.)
Any self-respecting 1 to 5 year old artist knows that paper is for schmucks. Why limit your watercolor, marker and crayon skillz to paper when there is furniture and walls? Of course my children like to pay homage to the ultimate canvas: skin. I dare you to think of one good reason to decorate that small white rectangle mommy laid out neatly on the table when that arm of yours is begging for 12 or so tiger stripes.
Save a tree, paint your body.
Question #2: Why do I provide healthy, fresh food when something moldy is waiting under a cushion?
When you are a child, there is something utterly repulsing about a balanced meal. Maybe it’s because mom uses lean meats instead of fatty cuts. Or perhaps it is the audacity of a vegetable to show up naked on your plate instead of properly drenching itself in cheese first. These crimes against a child’s plate are no less than insulting to their sensitive little taste buds.
If you really want to tantalize their pallet, you can put together a nice meal by digging around the car seat, in between couch cushions or behind a box on the bottom of the pantry. A healthy meal cannot compete with the discovery of a handful of 3 month old petrified Pirate’s Booty while looking for a toy under the couch. Because when that happens…hot damn, they have struck culinary gold!
Instead of whines and complaints over what is for dinner, they shout, “Look what I found!” Followed by “YUM! Maybe there’s more!” As a concerned parent, at this point you may want to say something like, “Oh dear! That will make you sick.” But don’t bother, they can’t hear you. The earth shattering crunching sound made by dried cracker that has been collecting dust and cat hair for the past 6 weeks is drowning out your voice.
Question #3: Why do I continue to say “smile” when snapping a photo?
There is really no way to expand on this one.
Question #4: Can my Vet please come up with a more dignified way for me to obtain my cat’s anti-anxiety meds?
Yes, yes my cat takes generic Prozac. Why? She refuses to use her perfectly delightful litter box and has decided that the better portion of the downstairs is her litter box. (And barfing area, scratch pad, etc.) Don’t get me wrong, this is awesome. It’s like Christmas every morning, waking up to a surprise under the tree! Except it’s usually under the dining room table and I was pretty much expecting it and, oh yeah, it’s not awesome.
But the best part is when I drive thru (because I dare not go in) Walgreens to pick-up her prescription. Let me break it down.
1. I have to say “Picking up for ‘Roxy The Cat Jones’.”
2. Person at window stares at me like I might be pranking them and asks “what is it for?” To which I reply “anti-anxiety pills.”
3. Then, very cautiously, they move to the bins where the prescriptions are bagged only to discover my information is legit. But they are not quite convinced I am legit. So they pick up their receiver and say…
4. Can you verify the address? Phone number? Last 4 digits of your social?
5. I verify all this info while looking them straight in the eye! Because I am not going to let that pharmacy assistant shame me because they think I am trying to get meds by way of my cat.
6. I do it all over again in 2 months.
Do you think 1-800-petmeds will send me this in the mail?
Question #5: Why does every shirt I own get holes in the same spot?
Can someone please explain this to me?
I have heard theories:
button on jeans
I am not buying any of these. Please submit your explanations in the comment section!
Burning questions deserve answers!
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